The Biggest Flaw in Online Dating
If you have ever been ‘forced’ by your friends to sign up to online dating, to ‘put yourself out there’, because ‘noone will come knocking on your door’ and that ‘this is your last chance’ (or maybe you say this to yourself) before deciding you are not made to have a partner, you are destined to live by yourself, and that you are not loveable because you are too ‘set in you ways ‘and that this is your destiny, then, I am writing this for you.
Tell me, how any times have you given online dating a chance? Too many?
You know, most people say that you are not truly committed to finding someone until you are registered on a dating site.
I’m sure You are. And you have given it a chance. One too many I think. Date after date, one person after another, all of them wrong.
Wrong wrong wrong. How can a software not get it? They are not your match!
You see, I know what’s bothering you. It’s the matching part, that’s what is perplexing, isn’t it? And it’s pretty simple, even for someone who has no idea what algorithm or anything of such sorts is.
Matching people should be simple.
If I like dogs, and my future partner likes dogs, we should be closer to becoming a match. If I like hiking, wine, and riding horses, and my future partner does want the same, then really, I see no reason why can’t the computer match us up.
If that is the case, how come I have women come to me, disappointed, frustrated and on their last wits, by their online dating. What really is the problem?
Why does this happen, too often?
I’ll tell you.
Human behaviour, conversations, relationships, ghosting, unmet expectations, disappointment, and the rest of it that comes under this category is just a prequel of life. You never get away from your life. You must understand that.
And the computer is not making a mistake. It never does.
It’s hard to hear it. Some of you will not agree with me, and yet, this part is actually key in understanding relationships. Or human behaviour.
So what actually happens? Why are you always connected with people perfect on paper that are not so perfect in person?
This is what happens.
We meet people in life usually in a non pre-set way.
What that means is when you meet someone from a different sex (if you are heterosexual) or same sex (if you are gay) you never think – I could be intimate with this person, or I could have sex with this person, (unless you REALLY like them.)
So we usually go about our ways, meeting people through work, acquaintances, friends etc. Those people, at a certain time may become something more/intimate, and so the pressure is not there for the intimacy in the first instance.
What actually happens when you go online in search of a partner, is that you are meeting all these people in an already set way in your head.
This is your first problem.
You are searching through hundreds of photographs online, in your head already knowing that you are looking for an intimate partner, and the pressure is building.
The second problem is where things actually fall apart.
Let me explain it in an engaging way. Have you ever had a virtual relationship? I’m sure you have, even if it lasted a day or two. How I know that?
Because that’s exactly what’s happening with online dating: You like someone’s face, and you start a conversation. Once you made an online contact, you are beginning to create you virtual relationship (Whether that’s going to stay platonic or not, it’s down to you).
The mistake happens at this stage.
When you see someone face instantly you THINK that person is who you IMAGINE them to be in your head.
When in fact, they never are.
If it makes you feel better, this is where many women make a mistake. You can never get away from it, it’s a fact of life.
You see, everyone has unconscious bias in their heads and presume peoples attitudes are this way or that way.
So what actually happens is you are looking at a picture of someone, and communicating with them. Now they are telling you stuff you want to hear, they are behaving in the perfect way, and clearly, that person is best for you. Until the moment you decide to meet.
You build him up so high, only to get extremely disappointed with the person in front of you.
Yes, this goes both ways.
So, what do you do?
Is there any hope?
Yes. And it’s simple.
All you have to do, instead of messaging, skype him/her. Connect eye to eye.
Talk to each other. Start off with being friends. Growing your network. Remove the pressure from the moment.
Then you’ll see who he/she is and only then, you will know.
Try it out.
This time, I promise you, You won’t make a mistake.
Because you’ll know.
Alexandra’s background is in lecturing, coaching and communications breakthrough. She is an Emotional Intelligence Analyst and an NLP Master Practitioner. In her daily work she empowers and motivates women so they can succeed, grow and achieve extraordinary results for themselves.